How can you create a safe space for your child to share their true thoughts and feelings?
Open communication between you and your child can help them recognise and communicate their feelings and thoughts to you for support. However, they may hesitate to do this due to the fear of judgement or being misunderstood. Hence, you play an important role in letting your child know it is perfectly fine to experience difficult feelings and thoughts, and to help your child feel safe to express them to you.
Here are some ways you can create a safe space for your child to share difficult feelings and thoughts with you:
Listen to understand, not to answer
Show that you care by actively listening to them
Avoid distractions by putting away your devices
Listen attentively, make eye contact, and nod to show you have heard them, even if their concerns seem trivial to you
Acknowledge that your child's opinions are valid and heard even if you disagree with them or do not fully understand your child at that point in time
For example, you can say "I can see how frustrating this is for you"
While you may be tempted to give your advice to help them resolve the issue or feel the need to correct them right away, reserve your opinions and advice till later
Giving your advice prematurely may cause your child to feel disempowered and be less willing to talk to you about their problems in the future
Listen calmly and patiently to what they tell you
Criticising them (e.g. "That was stupid"), minimising their feelings (e.g. "That's not a big deal"), or shaming them (e.g. "You are so blur") will only get in the way of your communication
Your child is more likely to open up to you when you listen patiently
Let them know it is natural to experience all sorts of feelings, including difficult ones, and that you experience them too
Avoid responding negatively to your child when they feel upset, anxious, or frustrated (e.g. telling your child to just deal with it or not to feel that way)
Responding negatively may lead them to believe that their feelings are wrong or invalid and that they are bad for experiencing them
It may also result in them believing you do not understand what they are going through and being less willing to confide in you in the future
Find ways to make them feel comfortable sharing
Reflect on the times when your child talked to you about how they felt
Think about what worked well in that conversation and try doing it again
For example, consider if there was something about the environment, the situation or what you said that helped them to willingly open up to you
If your child does not feel ready to talk, send them a note or text to let them know that you are there for them, and they can approach you when they feel ready
Respect your child's privacy to build their trust in you
If you need to share what your child told you with others, let your child know and make sure they are comfortable with it first
In situations where they may have been bullied or harmed by others but do not want you to tell the relevant parties (e.g. school, police):
Explain to them why it is necessary so that proper follow-up can take place to ensure their safety
Assure them that you will be there for them every step of the way
If you are not sure what to do when your child is going through a difficult time, you can let them know that you are concerned, offer to chat about what is on their mind, and ask them questions like “How can I help?” or “What can I do to support you?”.
If you feel things may be going off track during your conversation with your child, it is okay to let them know you would like to take a step back and come back to it later, at a specified time. Inform them that you will use this time to calm down and assure them that you will return to talk to them when you feel calmer or are clearer about what you want to say. Remember to allow your child to take a break if they feel this way as well.
For additional tips on supporting your child, click here.