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Consider their strengths and weaknesses when deciding how to involve them in planning family activities
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Have them join in planning discussions and invite them to think about different family members’ preferences when choosing the family activity
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Allow them to lead the way when engaging in these activities later
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Encourage them to take on planning tasks independently once they are ready
How can you create opportunities for your child to develop their independence?
To support your child in becoming more independent, you can intentionally:
This strategy allows your child to better understand their abilities, limitations, and appropriate ways to conduct themselves. You are also showing them you believe in their abilities to handle situations and make appropriate decisions.
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Let them try out tasks on their own, even if it means they might make mistakes or fail in the process
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If they fail, affirm them for their efforts and encourage them to try again
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This allows your child to turn their focus away from the outcome and towards learning from their mistakes, discovering more about themselves, and thinking of better ways to resolve the problem
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Listen when they share and ask questions to help them with decision-making
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You can start with day-to-day matters, such as what they want to eat, or which co-curricular activity they would want to join
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This will help boost your child’s confidence in making their own decisions
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Take an active interest in what they are doing in school to better understand what they are going through and provide support when needed, rather than over-monitoring their actions
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Some conversation starters you can use include:
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Give them opportunities to make decisions based on their own opinions and preferences like planning their daily schedule or selecting co-curricular activities based on their interests (e.g. art, music, sports) while learning to manage their time
How do you gradually allow your child more independence?
As your child grows older, they will start making important decisions about their life (e.g. career, relationships, etc.). As you let them take charge of these decisions, be mindful of your own expectations and dreams and avoid imposing these on them.
During this stage (when your child is taking charge and starting to make important decisions), they may feel lost at times. Remind them this is normal and be patient with them. While offering guidance can be helpful, note that the challenges and experiences they encounter today may be very different from those you had gone through in the past.
Here are some ways you can offer your child guidance and support while still ensuring they can take charge of important decisions:
For younger children:
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Provide opportunities for them to make decisions with fixed options within the limits you have set for them
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Start with two options at a time to avoid confusing them with too many choices
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As they get older, you can increase the number of options
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For example, when choosing an activity, you could say:
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For older children:
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Rather than deciding straight away, let them know that you are open to discussion when they come to you with requests that are not harmful or dangerous
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The outcome of these discussions could be ‘Yes’, ‘No’ or ‘Under these conditions…’
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This lets them know that you will give them a fair chance to be heard
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Keep in mind the need to strike a balance between letting them be more independent and guiding them along in decision making
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As you recognise their progress in making responsible decisions on their own, you may gradually increase their responsibilities over time to allow them space to mature
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If you are concerned that you are not giving them enough opportunities to learn from their mistakes, ask yourself if you really need to step in for each situation and what is the worst that could happen if you do not
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Some conversation starters you can use in your discussions with them:
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Alternatively, you can ask them to share their thoughts first before sharing your views
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If you have concerns about the choices they are making, express them in an open and respectful way
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Assure them that while you do not agree with some of their choices, they are ultimately the ones who are making these decisions and are responsible for them
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Sometimes their choices may be about their friends, hence you may want to get to know their friends (online and offline) with sincere interest in who they are and what they do together, to give you a better understanding, and not for the purpose of controlling their behaviours
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